I like to think I have ambitious thoughts. When I’m just chilling at home, listening to music I like to imagine music videos in my head, but what is so different is that these plots, these images I have are usually sad.
It’s about people running, crying, it’s about lost. It’s about rain, loneliness, about being cold, about being devoid of emotion. It’s about issues, about having problems, it’s about that side of life.
There is that frustration when life throws you for a loop. It’s about smoking a cigarette, being the only orange in a sea of monochrome. It’s about doing nothing, when there is everything to be done.
And yet, more or less, it’s about love.
Love is a passion, affection, it is the counterpoint to depression. A philosophy I keep going back to, is that to know happiness, to understand love is know the opposite, to see hate, to feel pain, to taste bitter defeat, but to recognize that maybe sometimes we get that cliche movie happy ending.
A cycle of defeat and satisfaction.
Or it’s a lot of break dancing, and hip hop free styles. Either Or.
So everytime I touch my stitches, it shakes me to my core. It is one of my biggest fears, bodily disfigurement, and I can’t wrap my mind around it to just stop touching my stitches. I just feel like something bad is gonna happen, and it’s just gonna get worst. I’m just a little paranoid I guess.
Anyway, today is day 2 of nap madness, something I coined because napping at 8 and waking up a few hours later is rather not the most efficient way of doing things.
I think winter break emphasizes everything that is wrong with the human condition as I see it. There are too many rad ideas (yes I used the word rad), and too little passion to get those ideas made.
Okay maybe it might just be ME complaining about being stuck at home and not touching his camera for quite a while, and feeling guilt about it. Sure, I have a bunch of new ideas to get done after every shower I take, but it’s not easy like pressing a button and making a rad (damn it I used it again) panorama in photoshop. Increasingly, I am finding my own inadequacy in a craft I am trying to push my life into. It is raising questions and answering none.
So for anybody wondering, after seeing Tron for the second time, I went out to a slide in Berkeley. It was pretty dark, and it could’ve happened to anybody, but I tripped on the earth, and I landed head first onto a concrete stair. SO, I end up bleeding profusely all over my hand, and my face, and needlessly to say, having a hospital defined laceration woke me the fuck up.
So after a lot of jokes in the car and the hospital, I went home with a single donut in a bag, and 3 stitches in my head.
So I hope I wake up tomorrow early, and with energy, ready to hit the day with 2 lenses in my bag, and a camera strapped forever to my body.